High5 Friday: Positive Discipline for Young Children 0-3 (Part #1)

I am so excited to finally share this with you... Definitely my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE workshop at the International Nanny Association Conference in May 2010. I attended the workshop on Positive Discipline by Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, Susan Lehman, and became intrigued with the philosophy and methods. While much of this was familiar to me as a Nanny, I enjoyed seeking the details formalized and structured along with examples of each. I feel these tools are a great benefit for Nannies and parents, and can be tailored to the unique-ness of each child.

Note that the word "discipline" does not equal "punishment". Instead I think of discipline as training or teaching, which may sometimes lead to punishment.

What is Positive Discipline?

Positive Discipline is a program designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Based on the best selling Positive Discipline books by Dr. Jane Nelsen and co-authors Lynn Lott, Cheryl Erwin, Kate Ortolano, Mary Hughes, Mike Brock, Lisa Larson and others, it teaches important social and life skills in a manner that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults (including parents, teachers, childcare providers, youth workers, and others).

Recent research tells us that children are “hardwired” from birth to connect with others, and that children who feel a sense of connection to their community, family, and school are less likely to misbehave. To be successful, contributing members of their community, children must learn necessary social and life skills. Positive Discipline is based on the understanding that discipline must be taught and that discipline teaches.

Jane Nelsen gives the following criteria for “effective discipline that teaches”:

FIVE CRITERIA FOR EFFECTIVE DISCIPLINE

1. Helps children feel a sense of connection. (Belonging and significance)
2. Is mutually respectful and encouraging. (Kind and firm at the same time.)
3. Is effective long - term. (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive.)
4. Teaches important social and life skills . (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.)
5. Invites children to discover how capable they are. (Econstructive use of personal power and autonomy.

Please visit the Website and Blog for more information!

High5: Positive Discipline Tools for Children 0-3 (Part 1)

The following are the exact words from "Top 10 Positive Discipline Tools for Children 0-3" worksheet, provided by Susan Lehman. Note that there are many tools discussed in the books.

5. Teach About Feelings

Name your child's feelings so they begin to learn about their feelings. This will also help you to make a connection with your child and allow them to feel comfortable sharing feelings when they are older because they will know you understand. You can also validate a feeling and correct an action that was a negative result of the feeling. Encourage using words for expression.

Examples:

• "You look sad. Did you get hurt?"
• "I can see that you are mad when you throw that toy. But I want to be safe, so lets hit this pillow instead"
• "That was scary, huh?"
• "You are really angry that you have to go now, but it is not OK to hit me because it hurts (rub where you were hit and make a sad face to show it hurts)
• "You really liked when he did that!"

4. Show How/Do it Together

Young children are not always capable of doing the tasks we want them to do. So make sure to take them time to teach or just do it together! Also, make sure your expectations are developmentally appropriate.

Examples:

• Young children like to "dump" things out. Then this happens you can clean up together in a fun way and they will most likely jump right in to help.
• Show your child how to treat the family cat by petting the kitty and saying "Gentle, gentle, with the kitty."

3. Eye to Eye or Touch

Make a connection with your child by getting to eye level and maybe putting a hand on their shoulder before you ask them to do or not to do something.

Examples:

• Bend down, get eye to eye, while holding his or her hands and say what you want to tell him or her.

2. Teach Calming

When your child is experiencing intense emotion, take the time to teach skills for self-soothing and calming while letting the feelings be OK. Stay with your child and model and teach different ways to calm down. Focus on calming before dealing with what happened.

Examples:

• "That must have hurt. You are really sad that you bumped your head."
• "It looks like you need to calm down. Let's go take a break together." (When a child is starting to calm down and can listen to you, you could read a book, listen to music or something else calming so they start to learn calming skills.)

1. Check Your Reaction

Young children can interpret your angry reactions as something funny or exciting and then repeat the behavior as they laugh at you. Try to be "matter of fact" in your reactions and use the moment to teach. Tone of voice and body language is key here .

Examples:

• "You grabbed my glasses. I don't like that. Can you help me put them back on?"
• "The milk sure spilt all over the place. Let's get some rags to wipe it up together."
• "When you hit your sister, it hurts her. Let's go see if she's OK."

The Positive Discipline website has great resources, including books and products specifically for preschooler, teenagers, etc. Coming soon: Positive Discipline for ADD, ADHD and Autism, finely tuned for these children. Also check out:

Tool Cards

and iPhone App

Stop back next week for Part #2 with 5 more tools and "The Wheel of Choice"!

(Read Part #2 HERE.)